National Adoption Awareness Month - The Beauty of Plan B

November is National Adoption Awareness Month. This year, I want to take the time to share some information over the course of the month...some stats, some calls to action, and some glimpses into our lives and what adoption looks like from the inside.

One way we have described our family over the years is as a picture of God's redemption in human lives. As people, we often like for things to be nice. Our tendency is to want things polished and put together and, often, perfect. But life isn't really like that, is it? It's messy and chaotic at times. It's filled with hurt and brokenness and connection and revitalization. And when we embrace that as beauty, it allows us the freedom to live well within the life we have.

See, in our minds, we are inclined to see adopted families and say, "Wow--they were meant to be together." But for those of us who live this, we know that it isn't that simple. Don't get me wrong--I never begrudge this statement from friends or strangers. 

We are just very aware that the pain and loss our kids endured to get to our home and hearts was not written as a perfect plan. It was the breakdown of a plan and it led to brokenness, messiness, and pain. But in the midst of that, God provided a way for things to be made right again. And we were offered the chance to give life to our kids in a way other than creating them. In the middle of a life where the people responsible for Plan A did not hold up their responsibilities, my kids were not subject to living their entire life in light of that breakdown. 

In our home, we have conversations and experiences that biological parents rarely (or sometimes never) have. One of those is the regular prayer of thankfulness from our kids that often sounds something like this: "Thank you so much that you gave us parents when we didn't have any and that we have a wonderful family" or "Thank you that our mom and dad picked us and we get to have parents." 

Adoption is Plan B. And that doesn't mean it's less than or a sloppy second. Plan B is a beautiful life and family that was not put together the way we are biologically designed to create children, but rather through a process that makes things right again. Our family is not one that is stamped with the idea of being perfect...but we are a living picture of what is possible on the other side of deep heart and loss. And I wouldn't trade this story for anything. 

Happy Mother's Day

I have read many of the open letters about the struggle and inclusion/exclusion issues of women on Mother's Day and my heart is for each person who struggles anytime a day meant for celebration is occurring. I believe that each perspective and heart is valuable.

I want to use this today to say a special tribute to the moms who are fostering, adopting, have adopted, want to foster/adopt, and anyone else who has raised or will raise children who were not born to them.

To the women who give their hearts so selflessly to children knowing that we are not their only mother. Bless you for your courage to live in a space of vulnerability and for allowing your children the space to love two women for different reasons.

To the women who are unafraid to love hard and long, knowing that the kids may be taken and part of our hearts gone with them. Bless you for fearlessness to give your all to a child in the face of having your all shattered and trusting that God will heal you if it comes to that.

To the women who foster and love kids during their in-between spaces. Bless you for your strength in loving children 100% and serving as the structure builder and heart readier for kids as they go back to their parents' homes or into adoptive homes.

To the women who waited or will wait the 48 hours in the hospital for the biological mother to sign the documents, your anticipation of your child is reflective of the anticipation of the heart of God for us. To the mother who waits and the signatures never happen, bless you for putting your heart on the line and prayers that God heals your heart. For the mother who signs those documents, bless you for making the most difficult decision you may ever make in your life. For the mother who does not, blessings on you as you take the role of mother and nurture your baby.

To the mother who is filing paperwork in a country with rules completely different from ours, bless your willingness to walk in God's direction for seeking your child. For those who are stuck, countries closing, processes changing, and experiencing other let-downs--your struggle is seen and heard. Bless you for not giving up and for pushing into what is next for your family.

For those who are raising nieces, nephews, grandchildren, fictive kin...bless you for enveloping that child in family and helping keep the ties that bind together.

For all of these women and any others that are not mentioned specifically, bless you for being a mother. For showing God's heart for pursuing His children and how our desirability and lovability are not tied to our ability to desire and love Him. To each of you who have experienced the Spirit of Adoption first hand and understand the joys and pain of the real walk of the redemptive work of Christ.

To each mother who understands that our place was not the perfectly designed family that God had in mind, but is the miracle of the redemptive work of Christ played out in video form in our families. And that sometimes it looks like a child who, with tears in his eyes says, "You're the best mom I've ever had." And other times, it looks like a child who is fitting in bed and screaming at you to leave her alone and that she doesn't want you.

To the moms who find God's redemptive work throughout their story of motherhood, my heart is with you today and I pray that God's richest blessings rain down on your life and help you to stay full no matter where your kid(s) land today. That you will find strength and validation in the identity that Christ has bestowed upon you and not in the temporary feelings of the relationships we experience. That you will find courage to love wholeheartedly even if you lose or are rejected. That you will have all wisdom to say what is true and connect with your kids at every level.

You are brave, you are strong, you are courageous, and you are not alone.
Love to you.

I'm on Rainbow.

My son (B) is in first grade and has a quite complicated behavioral rewards system in his classroom. (I'll save you the nerdy info on a well designed token economy...) It's a vertical chart that starts him in the middle each day--on green. If he gets in trouble, he can move down to yellow, orange, or red. Good behavior will move him up to blue, purple, and pink. If he lands on pink, he get's a jewel on his clip; five jewels and that clip is retired to the hall of fame. In addition, he gets a ticket for every clip up and can spend it at his class store. (I warned you it was complicated, but it works...)

E, my daughter, has been completely dissatisfied all year due to her teacher's lack of interest in a behavior chart. Ms. Debbie told me early on this year that she doesn't believe that kids E's age really understand it fully, so she chooses not to focus on that pre-kindergarten. I can see her point; E does not. She wanted a chart.

A few days ago, B got in the car and announced that he was on Blue today. We discussed his efforts and how he clipped up. E piped up and said, "Yeah? Well, I got on rainbow today." My son reminded her that she did not have a chart at school, so she retorted, "So. It's in my head. And rainbow is the best. And that's what I got on today because I did my very best."

What an attitude to have--to allow our internal gauge to supersede the external pressures of others.

When we don't feel adequately measured or seen for what we truly offer from those around us, how often, as adults, do we withdraw or spin our wheels trying to be noticed? I wonder what would happen if we all took a lesson from a pre-k mind and measured ourselves by our own expectations--against our own measuring stick. I bet we would be on rainbow more often if we did...

New Dawn, New Day. And I'm feeling good.

I haven't blogged regularly since college; and from the beginning of this blog, it's obvious that I intended to chronicle my adoptive parenting journey in blog form. For those of you who were moms before me--I know you are laughing with me and not at me. Regardless of adoption or birth, infants or older children, becoming a mother produces quite a shift in your psyche.

Adjusting to this new role has changed me. It has made me filter everything I believed before through a new lens. And while I have not necessarily changed a lot of what I believe, my view has broadened and my understanding is greater. I just process the world differently.

So the blog name--Shrink Mom. My kids have the _____________ of growing with a counselor for a mom. (I'm not sure how to fill in that blank...blessing? unfortunate experience? oddity?) When they realized what I did for a living, my daughter shouted from the bathroom, "B!!  We have a counselor for a mom and a regular dad!" It was a funny day in our house, but the irregular experience of a counselor as a mom is one that will both benefit and challenge my kids. As adjunct faculty at a university, I use stories about my kids to illustrate points of human behavior (especially in terms of human growth and development and learning). When I related that story, one of my students said, "So you're a Shrink Mom." I kind of liked it. While shrink has carried a negative connotation in the past, I appreciate the grounded feel of the term. Using counselor or therapist sometimes gives the connotation of an expert--and as a mom, I'm just not that.

So I will be posting and chronicling my thoughts and experiences as a counselor and a mom--of parenting, the world, and whatever else strikes me as relevant. Most of it will be in light of my training as a counselor and how I filter that as a person responsible for the shaping of two future adults. I hope for it to serve in a journal type sense for my growth as a person.

2012--The start of a new start for the Sheltons

It's seven minutes until the start of the new year.  I was joking with Ben that in my life, the best things happen in even numbered years.  My odd years are just simmering times...then cool things start when the numbers shift to even.  (Examples: 2006-got married, started first cool job, started graduate school; 2008-started second, even cooler job; 2010-got my dog, started third rockin' job, moved to Dallas, moved back, got licensed as a counselor, etc.)   The only exciting thing that happened in an odd year was graduating from Grad School--December 19, 2009.  I didn't get to do anything with it until 2010.  Coincidence?  ::shrug::

Whether it's the belief based on cold, hard facts (see above) or my wild imagination, I am expecting some amazing things to happen in 2012.  This is the year we start our family.  Classes will begin quickly (third Saturday in January) and we'll truly be "in the process."

It seems as if the Lord has just laid out for us that our path as a couple and family will be untraditional.  Most of our lives before now has been the same and we've seen Him work marvelous things in this process!  We can't wait to add a little one (or two) into the mix in 2012.  My clock just turned and I bid 2011 farewell.  Let's get this thing started!

Embarking on a new journey

I can't imagine that planning a family in a traditional way is easy.  Deciding when the "right time" to have a baby, trying to get pregnant, waiting in anticipation to remake that old "office" into a nursery...  Those are some of the things most women look forward to in their early life---making room in their bodies and homes to house a little bouncing newborn.

That scenario is not in the cards for me.  When they hear we're adopting, many people assume that since Ben and I have been married for almost six years that we must be unable to bear children naturally.  The truth is, we've not tried to have a child.  And in the six years that we've been married, we have fervently sought the Lord and each other's hearts in the plan that we feel God has for our family.

It's hard to explain the feelings in my heart towards our choice...mostly because it seems so natural for us... I've had a few family members and friends comment on what a "noble thing" it is to raise someone else's child..."Well, it's certainly Christian," another said.

Behind my polite nod and smile, I'm screaming somewhere in the back of my mind.  "THIS ISN'T ABOUT BEING NOBLE....OR EVEN APPEARING CHRISTIAN!!  MY KIDS ARE SOMEWHERE ON THIS EARTH AND I HAVE TO FIND THEM."

While to most, that may sound extreme, that's the best way I can put into words what I feel.  My heart longs for children who have been around several years--my children--born to another woman--are somewhere.  My heart aches for those children like I have had friends explain to me the feeling of wanting to be pregnant--anticipating the arrival of a child in the womb.

I'm so overwhelmed by the decision Ben and I have made.  Not really the undertaking of adoption...but more the intricate plan of God that has interwoven the two of us together and set our hearts in the same place long before we knew what was happening.  The seeds of adoption have been growing in both our hearts since we were teenagers--and now that we're together, God has let us in on the secret...His plan for us all along.

So we are greatly anticipating 2012 as the year for the Ben and Deena Shelton family expansion (by one or two)!  We are so thankful that the Lord has orchestrated our steps, paths, and decisions to bring us to this point.  Our plan is to adopt from the Texas Foster Care system...we'll be taking our classes in January/February. 

As we embark on this amazing adventure, I know myself well enough that I'll need to "process" what's going on via some method.  I am choosing to document this journey for us so that one day, as we share this story with our children, they will know for certain that their entrance in our family was purposeful and planned.  That though their beginning may have been difficult, God has chosen to place us together as a physical representation of HIS family.  We are so honored to be entrusted with the lives of our children; we are so grateful that God has been so intricate with the design of our family.